A Mother’s Guilt

I’ve been a mom for no more than 9 days, and I’m already dealing with guilt issues. Am I holding her too much, am I not holding her enough? Is she getting enough to eat, am I eating a healthy enough diet? Am I letting her cry enough? Too much? The list goes on. It can drive a person crazy!  David and I are trying to establish a good routine for Cora. One with eating time, awake time and sleeping time. So far it’s going pretty well, but we have seen that maybe we need to bite the bullet and let our precious bundle cry more, not be so anxious to pick her up, etc. It’s worse for us than it is for her. We’re starting to recognize her cries. There’s a definite difference between her angry cry, hungry cry and my-tummy-hurts cry (due to the gas). We can get ourselves all worked up over her crying and feel guilty for just about anything. Sigh…that’s not what I’m supposed to do, though. I’m supposed to trust my mother intuition and more importantly the Lord. I need to trust him to take care of her at night while I sleep. I can see how people want to sleep with their child in the bed with them. You have more control that way, right? I can see how you can spend your days wondering if this precious child will be taken from you too soon, will you outlive your child, etc? I’m not trying to be dark and sullen, these are just things I’ve not had to deal with before and am overwhelmed by the love I have for this child. I know I carried her for 10 long months, but I’ve only known what she looks like and have been able to hold her for 9 short days. How is it possible to feel so much love for a little person you really don’t know that well yet?

I guess it comes to trusting in our Father. Trusting him to show me how to love her better, more, etc. Trusting him with her life, even though it terrifies me that he could see fit to take her to himself before I would think it her time. Trusting him to help me provide for her every need as she lives and grows up in our home. It’s all very, very scary.
Father, I give this precious child to you. I give her into your care. I can’t promise to always keep her there as I struggle with the lack of control that will mean for me. But, I know you are sovereign in all your ways and I know you know what’s best for all of us. Help me, Father, to know how to be a good mom. To know how to love this precious child you have blessed us with. And most importantly, help us know how to bring her up to love you and have a personal relationship with you one day. Amen.

5 thoughts on “A Mother’s Guilt

  1. Dear Jeni! I understand your feelings so very much. But I always knew that I was not by myself in raising you and Ruthie. Of course Daddy was there, but God was always right there with me. Through the good times and hard times. Can’t wait to see you on Friday.love,mom

  2. Jeni-I totally understand your struggles…. I will keep you in prayer. I sent you an email to your hillsdale address but of course you are out of office… do you have a home email?and rememberGod loves that little bundle more than you do.Emily

  3. This is “motherhood’s” hardest lesson! The giving of your child’s literal life, over to God – SO HARD! and, I have had to do it multiple times. You can have no peace or rest until you do it though! we can’t wait to see you all Friday!Ruthie 🙂

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