Struggles

Ok, so I really need to get up photos and a blog about my sister’s 30th b-day, but the camera is downstairs, and I’m upstairs…

Second baby, second time to go through the joy of finding out we’re expecting again. Second time to go through the sickness. Second time for everything, really. I have to say that I’ve been struggling a bit. I don’t think my struggles are unusual or anything, just new for me.

My first struggle is working through how I’m going to be a mom to TWO kids! I mean, I feel like I barely make it with ONE and in about 9 months we’ll have TWO! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Phew! I feel better now! I’m sure I’ll figure it out. Many have gone before us and have survived.

My biggest struggle right now is coming to terms with the care/lack-of-care I received in Hillsdale. A small town, 1 hospital, 1 OB-GYN, 1 midwife–who actually was like a 2nd OB-GYN, meaning she wasn’t a very traditional midwife, but was there mainly to catch the baby. My options were limited. Yes, I could’ve gone to the next small town over (30 min) away, or an hour north, or 50 min to a larger area, but you know, when it’s you’re first you want to stick as close to home as possible because dontcha know the baby’s gonna just slide right out with no warning! 🙂 Ok, not true, but I think first time moms get a little panicky! I had been told good things about Dr. B. We had met with him numerous times when trying to get pregnant. He is very caring, compassionate, jovial, etc. I felt good going into labor/delivery with him as my dr. Until I was about a month from my due date. Oh the pressure to be induced!!!!!!! WOW! Suddenly, things changed. The dr. who was so willing to go along with whatever was not so much that way. I was told Cora was going to be over 9 lbs, by body wasn’t big enough to deliver a baby that big (he obviously hadn’t paid much attention to my body…), I would for sure need a C-section, on and on the pressure went. On and on we were scared into believing a C-section WOULD happen unless I was induced. Oddly enough, a C-section should’ve happened because I was induced. I talked to my sister and some friends and all were supportive of whatever we chose. Hindsight is, of course, always 20/20 and even at the time I knew I shouldn’t go through with it, but felt I had no other choice. My induction lead to 22 hrs of PAINFUL labor. INTENSE pain, needing and epidural, an episiotomy (which I was not warned of was to happen), the vacuum being used on Cora and finally the forceps due to her heart rate plummeting (C-section probably should’ve been done somewhere in there!). My baby came out limp, almost lifeless and I had no idea what was going on. No apologies were given, no explanations where offered. A job was done, a baby delivered, no one died, so I guess it was a successful day. It took me a long time to even WANT to have another child for fear of this all happening again.

And now, I find myself going through pregnancy again. We have opted to use a midwife this time. I have had 1 appt thus far (mainly to get proof of pregnancy for insurance to and nail down a due date) and have already been shown more care and compassion then I did with Dr. B. I’m sick, puking, not eating much and my midwife asked if I had taken anything when pregnant with Cora? No, I said. I wasn’t given the option. I was told by the dr. that his wife had survived 3 pregnancies, puking from start to finish with every one of them so I would be fine. My midwife was appalled. Needless to say, I’m on medication to help with the nausea now so I can eat and nourish myself and the wee baby. The reasons given me for being induced were apparently just excuses. I told them to my midwife and she was AGHAST at them, wondering where on earth this dr. would come up with such stuff? To have been induced before my due date was another misstep–should not have happened. Makes me wonder if there was a family vacation coming up around my due date?

I am fighting old fears right now. I’m fighting the fears I had throughout my labor/delivery with Cora. But, I feel so much more at peace with the group of midwives I am receiving care from right now. Partly, I’m sure is that I’ve been through it already. But, mostly, I’m convinced is because I know what to ask for, I know how to better speak my mind and God has helped me and David learn from previous experience. A hard lesson. I am overwhelmed, still, at the thoughts of what could have happened to Cora, or myself. I am overwhelmed by the ways the Lord protected both of us. It saddens me that I wasn’t stronger, but I can’t dwell on that and I need to move forward.

This journey with this child will be different. We’re in a much better place now (physically, spiritually and emotionally) and that is so helpful. I am excited to see where the Lord takes me with this child.

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One thought on “Struggles

  1. I'm proud of your courage! It is daunting, and your first experience was so difficult, I too am aghast. So thankful you have found a compassionate midwife!!! I loved reading "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" by Ina May Gaskin. One of the best midwives God ever created. You will find some really good information, in addition to some inspirational stories. I've read it twice now. =) Your library might have it, or it's cheap on Amazon. Love you!

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