Since starting counseling I have realized I may not be who I’m supposed to be, who God has made me to be. I truly think that for so long I have done things to cover up the horrid stuff that happened to me that I became someone different. Not entirely, because for years I have walked with the Lord so I know on some levels I am who He’s made me to be. Hmmm…this is sounding very confusing, I’m sorry! Bear with me! One area in which I know needs to change is that of setting boundaries. I do believe I have become a people-pleaser, which means I am often not pleased and sometimes I wonder if God isn’t pleased?
During this pregnancy I’ve had to say “no” to a lot of things. I just haven’t felt well, haven’t had the energy and thus have had hardly any motivation to do much of anything, even the necessities are getting done slower. It’s been very hard for me. I’ve always been known as the organized one, the dependable one, the social one, the one who will do anything and everything to help out whomever. It’s been so hard for me, the independent one to depend on other people. But, I can’t help but wonder if God has been teaching me this pregnancy to stop trying to please everyone (including myself) and focus on what it is HE wants for me to do. Right now? Well, right now I’m supposed to be taking care of myself as I grow this little human. For whatever reason I don’t have energy to be gang-busters all the time and as hard as it’s been it’s my reality right now. It has forced me to make boundaries.
Boundaries are not fun, all the time. Especially for someone who doesn’t want to disappoint others. I’ve had to say “no” to family visiting, “no” to going to friend’s parties and “no” even to my husband to do or go places. As I struggle with setting boundaries for myself I believe God has been bringing people along who seem to know the art of boundary-setting already. I have been reading more blogs written for and by pastors wives. I”m learning that it’s OK to not have my finger in everything church-related. Right now it’s easy to say no to those things because I have a 2 year old and am pregnant. The key will be remembering this when I’m no longer pregnant and as the kids get older. Does this mean I will not be involved in anything church-related? Of course not! That’s silly! Not only am I a pastor’s wife, I feel very called to serving others and being a part of ministry. I just need to take the time to seek the Lord and not rush into everything. AND! Be OK if I’m not doing everything.
God has also opened my eyes to the way my sister is able to set boundaries. She is very practical about such things and I really need to learn from her. She’s good about telling people if something won’t work. She’s good at setting boundaries with her children and even me, her sister! 🙂 Do I always like it when we can’t get together at the time I want? Of course not! But, that’s not the point. My sister needs to set the boundaries that are best for her. As far as I can tell she has this art down and doesn’t feel regret about setting those boundaries. I think this is where I struggle the most. I don’t want to disappoint people by telling them “no.” Oh, wait! That’s people-pleasing again!!! 🙂
This will be a work in progress, I’m sure. I will not learn this lesson overnight, I’m NOT learning this lesson over night, however I’m trying and that’s what counts, huh? I’ll be writing several blogs answering the question about who I am. I don’t know if they’ll be weekly or not, but more as things are revealed to me and I am processing them.
Ponderings from a Pastor's Wife 
I was just thinking on this subject myself – from a slightly different angle, but I think it still fits with what you are talking about. I was pondering how when my kids abide by the boundaries I set for them they actually have more freedom than when they fight against my boundaries. i.e. if Riley obeys the rule to stay in the backyard if he's outside without me, than he has the freedom to run and play as he pleases – so as it's in the backyard. But, if he disobeys this boundary than he loses the privilege all together and will have to wait till I can accompany him to go outside – which will be much less often! I was thinking how God gives me boundaries too. And, as long as I am obedient to them I actually find more freedom within those boundaries – because, where there is a respect for boundaries there is not only freedom, but I believe blessing too. As I read what you wrote it struck me that just as in my examples, when we put boundaries on our relationships and commitments there we also find freedom and blessing. Also, your comments about me were super humbling (but encouraging too) – because I feel like I stink in this area! I guess we're all a work in progress. Love you.
Ah yes, a skill I am always working on too… Have read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend? My favorite idea that I remember from them- learning this phrase…"I see, that is a problem. But it's not my problem." It's ok to say that last part in your head if necessary, but WOW how liberating to know every need around me isn't mine to meet! And people get disappointed, and that IS a problem, but again, NOT my problem! 🙂