Depression is ugly. It’s hideous, it sucks the life out of you, and it’s horrible. It skews your reality, makes you think things that aren’t right and makes you ugly. When I am most depressed I do not go into myself and hide like a turtle in its shell. No, I become a horrible, ugly beast. I say horrible things, I shout, I yell, and I become totally unreasonable. Thankfully, not many have witnessed this ugliness in me. Unfortunately, those who have are those I love the most and who love me the greatest.
I look back on my life as a preteen and teenager and the pure hatred that would spew from my mouth. How my parents didn’t lock me up or send me away to military school, or something, is a true testament of their love for me. I know that as a preteen/teen I was depressed but didn’t have the words for it at the time. I know on some level I was dealing with the fact that I had been sexually abused but didn’t know how to admit that to myself, let alone seek help concerning it. We all thought I was so angry because we had left Africa, home, everything familiar. I’m sure that played a part, but I truly believe the heart of the depression was the sexual abuse.
As I entered college that depression was still there but now I was starting to think and wonder about what was causing this. I was a psychology minor and took many classes, and in most of those classes talking about different forms of abuse was almost always there. It’s then that I was able to start to see and say to myself that I had been sexually abused. And, because I could process it such I was finally able to admit it to my parents after I graduated.
My depression has reared it’s ugly head from time to time still. I often wonder if this will be a lifelong journey, a lifelong thorn? I try so hard not to be ugly in my depression, but I often fail. I do know that since changing to a holistic lifestyle and changing my eating habits my depression has lessened and is rarely around–for this I am SO thankful!
When the ugliness of depression shows itself to you, I encourage you to face it and take it to the Lord. He alone can make anything beautiful.